I’m going to posit the following: There is a pressure on people to breed. Not just on childfree by choice people but also people who already are parents.
In my travels, I asked parents what their number one hated question is from the wider population:
“Oh you have children? Just (insert number)? When are you having another?”
These questions seem to hinder on the background and circumstances of the parents in questions. If I were to elaborate on my theory, I would argue that the poor class are condemned for having children while the middle class are pressured to have more children, increasing their debt and creating a fast track to being under the poverty line. At least that’s what I’ve observed. I have no evidence for this so this is obviously not fact.
I asked the parents of reddit.com the following question in order to get some firsthand feedback from parents regarding their thoughts on the topic. Being childfree by choice I’ve had a surplus of experience with people asking me why I wasn’t interested in having children but seeing as I had no children of my own – I have no experience in being a parent around other humans. This is what I had posted on reddit:
I’ve heard reports from coworkers who are parents that when they had no children – they would get remarks such as “When are you going to have children?”. Now that they have 1 or 2 children, they get “When are you going to have another?” or “When are you trying for a (boy/girl)?”.
Have any parents had any similar experiences with (perceived) peer pressure to produce more children even when you already have them?
Some of the replies are listed below (full thread here):
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SemiproCharlie
I got this both before we had any children and now that we have a two year old. I don’t think it is “pressure”, just conversation. I think it carries exactly as much as you attach to it yourself. You can either change the topic, give some vague reply, or (as we started doing), answer honestly. The honest answer tends to stop that line of questioning pretty quickly!
AnnaLemma
I don’t think it is “pressure”, just conversation.
Usually. But there are a couple of yentas in my mom’s group of friends who actively and consistently try to convince me than I need/want/can afford a second child. I’ve tried everything short of rudeness (to which I won’t resort) – laughing it off, talking about the expense, etc. No go: even though both of them only have one kid apiece, they keep trying to convince me that I need more. That counts as pressure in my book – not pressure to which I intend to succumb, but it’s still exhausting.
The honest answer tends to stop that line of questioning pretty quickly!
Oh gods… if only!!
SemiproCharlie
“Oh gods… if only!!”
If I may ask – what is the honest answer in your case? In our case it was “It took 3 years, IVF, and we lost our first son before we got our healthy baby girl. We have been trying for a second since before Mom’s body was biologically ready, and our next ovulation window is coming up this weekend. Wish us luck!”
They turn bright red and stammer out a new topic before excusing themselves and never asking again.
Some other examples of possible truthful replies:
* We don’t want a second child (if you can, add a reason).
* We are actively trying – could be any time now (you could throw in a sarcastic “you will be the first to know”, but that might make them think you are fobbing them off).
* We aren’t coping as well as we thought we would, so we want to let things settle down for a year or so before thinking about that.
* The doctors say we can never have another baby and that upsets us, so we don’t like to talk about it.
* Respectfully, we haven’t decided yet and every time we are asked this question it puts us off the idea – too much pressure.
AnnaLemma
“If I may ask – what is the honest answer in your case?”
We don’t want one and can’t afford one. For some reason neither of those is sufficient for some people.
“Oh, your daughter must have a sibling! They will be best friends for life!” (Never mind that my brother and I are not, and have never been, anything like “close” or “friends.” We get along fine the 1-2 times am month we see each other, but BFFs? Harrrrr.)
“Oh, two kids are almost as cheap as one!” (Really? I had no idea that daycares, colleges, doctors’ offices, clothing stores, grocery stores, toy stores, etc have ongoing “care for one kid and get the second kid’s stuff FREE!!!” deals. FFS we can barely afford one child. For some reason no one ever offers to pay for the expenses of a second.)
SemiproCharlie
I know you said those reasons haven’t been good enough for these ladies, so get specific.
“Our Daughter costs $20,000 a year in child care alone, plus all the other necessities like food, clothes, medical expenses, putting away something for school. Having a second would let us save on some things like clothes and toys by re-using, but that daycare cost would still be there. Before we could even consider having another hold we would have to improve our financial position considerably.”
If that still doesn’t work, you are facing an unreasonable (literally, cannot be reasoned with) beast, and you are just going to have to either unite it for a few more years until they drop it of their own accord, or escalate to the rudeness you said you didn’t want to do.
Could you ask your mother to say something to them? Could you politely but directly ask them to stop because you feel harassed?
slohomo
We get asked all the time when we’re going to have our second, but it’s more in jest. For example, we went out to a get together with friends/family on the weekend and our son was getting into everything (as a very mobile 1 year old does) and we kept swooping in to stop him from killing himself. We got lots of comments of ”so, ready for #2?” or ”when’s his brother/sister making an appearance! ha ha”..I know when I have asked about ”when’s the next one coming”, it’s always been in jest, around very good friends who have either very wild children or multiples under 3.
That being said, it could be that it’s brought up because when the first question of ”so are you done at 1 or having more?” was asked, we were honest that we’re planning on 3-4. Perhaps if we did not offer up that information we wouldn’t be asked, but who knows.
Personally I try to never ask about children or plans for children because someone close to me has fertility issues and I can understand the pain such questions can cause, but I don’t feel pressure when I’m asked at all. No one will be pressuring me to conceive a child before I’m ready. I think I would feel this way if I was done having children as well though.
sae1
Yes. As soon as we got married, everyone was asking when or if we were trying to have a baby. I found it very strange. When we were just dating, no one cared, then once you’re married, all of a sudden it’s totally fine to ask about or just assume I’m a cum dumpster. Then about a month after giving birth, everyone jumps in about how we need to have another one right away so our first has a playmate. When I try to explain that we’re happy with our current family and are hoping to be “one and done”, it’s like this horrible foreign concept and our only child is going to suffer from extreme loneliness their entire life. You know, because friends don’t exist and all siblings get along…
granolamom
Before my husband and I officially tied the knot we got that question. Then we got pregnant 6 months after getting married and were asked when we’d have a second. Holy cow, slow down. Can’t I enjoy this one first before I need to add more to the “collection”? They aren’t trophies.
Naturally when we had a boy, we were immediately asked when we’d try for a girl. I didn’t realize that IF i had a second that others would care so much what was between the legs. Would my life only truly be complete with the balance of a son and a daughter? What if I WANT two boys? Hell, what if I only wanted one? Well that’s just selfish. You can’t have just one. That’s not fair to your kid. Now I’m pregnant with number two (sex unknown) and I have yet to tell anyone because I honestly don’t want the comments or questions about a third one. Which we will NOT have.
My husband is going in to have a vasectomy after the baby is born. I can’t handle a third pregnancy. I get depressed and I have every fucking symptom. I was miserable the whole 41 weeks last time and already miserable again. Mentally I can’t do it again. I also pour everything I have into my kid. I’m afraid I won’t have much for the second, and a third? There’s just no way.
Some moms can do it (and I think they are awesome) but it’s not for me. I know I’ll get questions since I come from 3 girls but because it worked for my parents, doesn’t mean it’ll work for me.
likeskinnydogs
We’re a one and done family and I regularly get asked when we’re having a second. She’s 4 1/2 now, so I think people are soon realizing it isn’t going to happen without a huge age gap.
missxjulia
I just had my 2nd girl, she is 1 month old. ..people are already asking if we are going to try again for a boy.
forwardseat
I get this ALL THE TIME. From co-workers, from daycare workers, from random strangers in the grocery store even. Oh he’s so handsome! When are you going to have another one? I bet he’ll be happy to have a little sister? When are you going to try for a matched set?
A long time ago, I realized that when people do this, they’re really trying to validate their life choices. The got married/had a kid/had more kids, and it was hard and stressful and lovely, but it’s almost like they have to justify it, like anybody doing anything different is a threat to their idea of themselves. Sucking you into the same choices that they made makes them feel better about their life, or something.
Flewtea
No, in my career it’s very unusual to have kids at my age. It’s nearly unheard of to be a successful woman in my career and have kids at all before at least your mid to late 30s. I more often get a sense of pity that I can’t do career things because of the baby.
Our friends joke about us having more and they are curious, but it’s never been pressure.
parker214
I’m a single mom and I get this from my SIL. It’s really infuriating. I have one child and I’m honestly not sure if I want more, but I damn sure don’t want another until I’m happily married.
nomnomchikhan
Yes. When my husband and I had no children it was “When? HAVE BABIES NOW!” Little did they know we had been trying for a long time, but that’s not relevant now.
So, we had our daughter and then immediately “Do you want a boy now? You must want a boy! Will you try for a boy?!” When the time came that we wanted another child, we get pregnant after again a long time and this time its another girl. “Oh, too bad! A boy would have been better! You should try to have a boy!”
Exactly how does one try to have a specific gender of child?
We’ve also gotten “Why would you choose to have children so close together? This must not have been planned. Don’t you know how babies happen?!” Our children will be 2 years apart. Not that close together, in my opinion, and even if they were Irish twins, what the fuck business is it of anyone else, anyway?
I just answer any questions I get now with the most uncomfortable answers I can think of.
“Aren’t you going to try for a boy next time?”
“Well, we did, but no matter how far my husband had is penis in or out of me when he came seemed to matter. If we do decide to have more children, maybe next time we’ll have sex standing on our heads.”
“Aren’t you disappointed that you’re not having a boy?”
“YES! I barely wanted my first child when I found out she had a vagina. I think I’ll just leave this one out in the woods.”
ZenMommy
Yup, and my reply as always is to inform them that my husband and I aren’t comfortable discussing our sex life with other people. Works like a charm.
RugerRedhawk
After two nobody really asked us in that way… more were assuming we were done than assumed we would have more. And I went and got snipped so it’s pretty easy to answer if anyone does ask.
theperfectcupoftea
I wouldn’t say I ever felt pressure. We used to get the “when are you going to have another one” questions a lot when our daughter was little, but I never felt pressured by it. People eventually stopped asking around age 7. I guess before that, they didn’t believe us when we said we weren’t having more kids.
rbaltimore
YES.
My husband and I are done after one and no one in my family will stop telling us that we should have more. Some relatives (aka my father) have told me that we actually OWE the family more kids.
Strangers have opinions too.
FuckThisShit3
My son was born when I was 18, I’m now 23 and not in a relationship and I get asked when i’m going to have more kids all the time. Even though I’m happily single and don’t want anymore kids I always get the “oh you’ll change your mind.” Or “That’s what everyone says but you’ll have more.” It’s really annoying.
Nanocyborgasm
I have been pressured by many co-workers to have more children. Many consider it cruel to have one child only because it deprives them of a playmate. It seems to me that to have a child just to provide a playmate for another is rather selfish and self-serving.
It also doesn’t address the more salient concerns of care for the younger sibling. Is the older sibling going to feed, clothe, and change the younger? Somehow I doubt that. All another child will bring is more demands on the parents, not a convenient distraction for the older child. Furthermore, there is no guarantee they will get along. They may be of opposite sex, and have no interests in common.
FrizzIsIn
Yes. My husband and I plan on having only one child, and she was born five months ago. When my in-laws were visiting shortly after her birth, they questioned when we were going to try for #2. When we explained that we are done, and quite happy with our one baby, they were dumbfounded. They went on to say that it’s cruel to not give my daughter a sibling, and that she’ll resent us for the rest of our lives.
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